Bereaved Parents Wish List 


I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child; my favorite topic of the day

I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over. These first years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I will always grieve that he is dead.

I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.
I don't want to have a "Pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

When I say, "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

Your advice to "take it one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I will never be that person again.

I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief. But, I pray daily that you will never " fully " understand

Following a loss, well-meaning  friends and family members have often said,
 "I wish that he/she would act
normal again. It's been so long since
 we've had any fun together. I can't wait 
until the old person returns." Unfortunately,  what most people don't
understand is that life will never, 
ever again be the same for the parents 
who have lost a child. The fact
is that the parents often realize 
early on, "I forget how to feel normal! 
I don't even know what normal is
anymore!"

When a child dies, no matter what the surrounding circumstances, life as was once known, is turned upside down for a while.  Nothing makes much sense. The
things that kept life so busy before the death of the child don't matter anymore. Who cares if the laundry is clean? Who worries about keeping the garage neat?
Why bother to think about buying groceries? Food has lost its taste, and there is no energy to cook a meal.
For a long time following the death of a child, life seems void and meaningless. Friends and family members
find this part of grief particularly disturbing.
Others are ready to move forward in life, taking on the mundane routines of living once again. For the parent, though, life will never be viewed quite the same again.

Normal takes on a new meaning to parents who have had a child die. Things such a fine china, fancy furniture, and collectible knick-knacks don't mean anything. It is of no interest to discuss the make and
model of the car you are driving. What matters is finding some way to help you get through this time of acceptance and healing.

There is no set of rules for normal living following the loss of a child. Some people would prefer there to be a book of rules. It would make life a lot easier for everyone to have special grief guidelines to follow. Instead, we must learn to accept as normal
whatever anyone chooses as his/her way of working through the particular grief of the day. We must each remember that grief is individual, and grief will touch every person just a little bit differently.

Tears. Anger. Frustration. Excessive talking. No talking. Working longer hours. All are normal ways to work through the tremendously difficult emotional
swings of child loss. A parent will often think that he/she will never again resume normal living. In a sense, that is correct. Life will never again be the same because losing a child changes the way a parent
views life. Grief never leaves. It becomes more gentle, but it never completely goes away.

All of this is not to say that life will never be
joyful again. Joy will return, but probably in
different ways than you experienced joy before the  death of your child. Priorities in life will change. Small things will carry great meaning. A flower will take on the look of a miracle. The blue sky will give
a feeling of renewed hope and inspiration. Somewhere deep down inside you will know that your new "normal"
is a more simplistic, more abundant way of viewing life.

If you are feeling like you have forgotten what normal is since your child died, you are not alone. Every parent who has experienced child loss goes through a
time of questioning. Following the questioning, though, is a renewed sense of self and a new perspective of life. Grief never leaves, and you'll never feel like your old normal self again. But, you will feel hope and joy as you continue on in your journey of healing from the deep, life-changing grief of child loss.